Sometimes I feel just like running away. Usually it is when he cannot hear me. I feel like screaming or shouting or crying! What will get him to come to the surface so he can be there to care?
When our vets go into their caves, their safe numb place, it hurts us terribly. We feel abandoned. So lonely. Try as we may (and that we do!) we cannot understand. It feels like we do not matter. We cease to exist.
It might be silent withdrawal on their part, or it could be a violent tirade. I heard recently that when the heart rate exceeds 90 beats per minute, that person is no longer capable of hearing the other person. Wow. When we or our vets get triggered, listening stops. Survival mode has kicked in.
I am learning (I thought I had already learned it and got it down pat…ha!) that this is their trauma. One of the many ways the PTSD takes its toll is kidnapping our vets and holding them hostage behind an invisible wall. We are suddenly left all alone. Wondering what we did wrong? Or what we could do or say to make it all better. “If I just try harder I will figure out the magic words to say or thing to do that will fix him. And bring him back.” But I cannot. There is no such fix. It is not in my power, and even if it were, his actions are not my responsibility.
I am also remembering that although there is nothing we can do to fix them, we CAN take care of ourselves. This is the good news! I am not powerless.
Remind ourselves to not take their moods personally, continue to show love, and pour our energy into being aware of ourselves and our needs.
I encourage you today to be mindful especially of you. What do you need today that perhaps you have been putting off? What does your body need? Your heart? Your mind? How are your emotions? Is something in particular crying out to you to care for it? As I talk about in the book Love Our Vets: Restoring Hope for Families of Veterans with PTSD, there is hope! It is okay to feel the pain, and even more okay to do healthy things for us. We can and must make our needs a priority. Our vets will come back to us, and the cycle will repeat.
Let us be aware of our needs and feelings, take good care of us, and continue to love our vets. The hurts will come and go. But in the long run, we and our vets are well worth it. The payoff is on its way!
.
