I was always a bubbly person, with a laugh ready to rip at any moment. But over time, after marrying my veteran husband and joining the world of PTSD, as much as I loved him, I noticed that my joy was dwindling. And when I did have happy fun moments, they were typically not mutually enjoyed.
They say that those of us who love our PTSD survivors are prone to acquiring second hand PTSD. Whether first or second hand trauma, being in survival mode 24/7 is a challenge that can overpower a joyful light heart. Is it possible for joy and PTSD to coexist?
Recently a friend shared that she heard a loud battle cry from the bedroom! Running to see what was wrong, she stopped in the doorway, watching her husband swinging his shorts violently around the room. “There’s a bug in here!” he yelled. He whacked and whipped and ran around trying to smack that bug.
Of course she laughed. And for most people it would have been funny. But he was triggered, and to him it was not a humorous occasion.
Eventually after he calmed down they were able to chuckle a little. (Last I heard the bug is still at large). But the incident reminds me that first, we have to be respectful of their triggers and not laugh at them if they are not laughing themselves. And secondly, we have to be free to enjoy OUR joy, even if we have to leave the room to do so.
We tend to match/take on their downward moods and negativity, and it requires a conscious effort to hold on to our own joy when it is not shared. (In the book Love Our Vets: Restoring Hope for Families of Veterans with PTSD, I address a multitude of issues unique to loved ones of those battling PTSD.)
The following are some ideas that have helped many of us, and I can affirm that it IS possible for joy and PTSD to coexist. 🙂
Start the day looking for blessings and surprises.
Minimize sources of negativity (news, social media, certain people, etc.).
Actively express gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for.
Remember to differentiate between their well being and mine. I am NOT them.
Remind ourselves that we are not responsible for their feelings and reactions.
Self-care is paramount: time alone, listening to relaxing music, getting fresh air, walking or other exercise, reading a book, etc. Try to nurture all 5 senses.
Cultivate a joyful mindset. CHOOSE to think about things that are happy, uplifting, positive, and extinguish the negative thoughts. Studies show that whatever our brain thinks about the most is what it will crave and cultivate.
Smile all the time! 🙂 This will also positively impact your brain and mood. I put smiley faces all around the house to remind me.
Seek friends and a support group who lift you up and bring you joy, hopefully mutual.
Play with your dog or cat as much as you can. Or enjoy someone else’s whenever you get the chance.
Make a list of what you love doing, and do something every day: sing and dance in the kitchen, go to the drag races, grow a little garden, paint, do crafts or fun projects, watch Hallmark movies or something goofy, play an instrument, try a new recipe, go for a scenic drive, clean out a drawer or closet, go out to eat with friends, treat yourself to fresh flowers, take pictures, send fun greeting cards or messages, start a collection of memes that make you laugh, get a fart machine (seriously…your loved one might even crack a smile!), etc.
Laugh freely by yourself and at yourself as much as you can. Make silly faces and smile in the mirror. Be goofy and enjoy it!
Keep a joy journal, a happy log. Write down everything during the day that makes you happy and that you are thankful for. Read it over when you need a pick up!
Talk to God. Soak up scripture, and sing praises to Him! Truly a game changer for me and so many!
Finally, BE the joy in someone else’s life, even if it’s just a smile. And although we can’t change others, we can choose to brighten our own lives on this journey.
