The past – a world without PTSD – seems so long ago. How I wish things were different! The fallout of my trauma doesn’t stop with me. I just want you to know how much I appreciate you, need you, and wish I did not hurt you so much.
Too often I go into survival mode and that’s when I either disappear or hurt you in other ways. Please know it’s never intentional, even though it may seem like it. I know at times I can be hyper-vigilant, unable to listen, loud, over-reactive, criticizing and condemning. Too often I isolate myself and you feel like you can’t reach me. There’s so much I hold in, not only because I can’t bear to talk about it, but I don’t want YOU to suffer just because I do.
And sometimes I lash out at you, and become physically or verbally abusive. Please hold me accountable, and do what you must to stay safe. And even though I may forget what I did, I know you never will.
The anxiety that haunts me seems to cloud our lives with darkness. And you don’t deserve to suffer from my violent sleepless nights.
You miss out on many things you wish you could do, and so many holidays and special occasions are ruined because of me. I imagine resentment has been building for a long time.
You probably feel like there’s no one who understands what I’m going through, let alone what YOU are going through. And when you try to talk about it with others, they just don’t get it, or offer flip answers that sting, making you wish you never said anything.
It’s especially painful to see what the PTSD is doing to our children, who take it personally because they can’t understand. I only hope the impact on them won’t leave scars that can’t be soothed.
I’m relieved you don’t know the intensity of the battle that rages in my head all the time, tempting me to give up! And many times I’ve come so close. Even now as I write this. But I hold on. Mostly because of you. Maybe it’s your prayers. Maybe your persistence in not giving up on me.
And for that I am truly grateful.
Please know that behind these unintentionally barricaded walls, and painfully distant eyes, I love you with all my heart.
