The PTSD is always lurking, lulling us into denial. Then when we least expect it – WHAM! The earthquake hits! Now as a loved one recovering from the wake of our most recent episode, I’ve been pondering the question of whose needs come first. Theirs or ours?
I have always been an avid advocate of taking care of ourselves, and also at the same time staying tuned to the needs of our Warriors. But at the moment when you have a split second to decide who to tune into and how to respond, one must come first. At least that has been true for me.
Last week at the point things exploded, I was so taken aback that I could not even respond. And maybe underneath I was afraid I’d just make things worse if I did. So I just stated calmly, “Wow. I need to go into the other room for awhile.”
At that moment I chose to take care of ME, rather than as I have in the past abandon ME and rush to try to “fix” him. Victory! As I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth, remembered to breathe, and prayed for grace and wisdom, I started to get grounded again. It was during that time – and space – that I was able to gather my thoughts as to how to proceed. It was a powerful, freeing moment.
I then went to my online support group and received much needed encouragement to carry me through the next few days of aftershocks.
Gradually, AFTER I had tuned into MY needs, I was able to focus on HIS needs. And eventually the walls came down, and we were able to work through things.
As I talk about in the book LOVE OUR VETS: Restoring Hope for Families of Veterans with PTSD, the “rules” for conflict in relationships where PTSD is a factor are unique. When one or both of us are triggered, it is almost impossible to have healthy communication. The growth and learning and communication comes in between the episodes.
Contrary to what most of us have been led to believe, putting our needs first is not necessarily selfish. The flight attendant always instructs the parent to put on their oxygen mask before assisting their child, not because the child is less important but because it is the best order for maximizing the survival of both.
Will we always walk on eggshells? Probably.
Will they ever be free from the PTSD distorting what people say and do? Probably not.
Will we ever be able to say and do what we feel like at any given moment without making things worse? Probably not.
Is it fair? No.
Is taking care of my own needs selfish? No.
Is there hope? Yes!
Taking care of ourselves before, during, and after the PTSD lashes out, is still the priority. When we take care of us, and also surround ourselves with good support, then we are better able to maintain perspective, be less defensive, be more helpful to our Warriors, and continue to learn and grow in spite of the challenges. It IS possible and today I testify that it is WORTH it.
Welby O’Brien is crazy about her Veteran husband, and together they face the daily challenges of PTSD. Holding a Master’s Degree in counseling from Portland State University and a teaching degree from Biola University, based on her own life journey she has authored LOVE OUR VETS: Restoring Hope for Families of Veterans with PTSD(www.LoveOurVets.org), Goodbye for Now (grief support), and Formerly A Wife (divorce support). She is also a contributing author to Chicken Soup for the Soul: Divorce and Recovery, Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Spirit of America, as well as Shepherding Women in Pain. Welby initiated and continues to facilitate the spouse and family support network known as Love Our Vets – PTSD Family Support, LLC. Join Welby and thousands of others on Facebook: Love Our Vets – PTSD Family Support, LLC on Facebook.
