In the aftermath of a recent medical “procedure” (euphemism for torture), I gained a new insight on PTSD. It all started when the nurse could not get my veins to take the IV (I don’t blame them!). After the back of my poor hand morphed into a human pin cushion, I finally burst out in tears. It hurt! As I cried feeling the pain, I also reached my other hand out to my husband to hold and comfort. Pain and love. I felt them both very clearly.
It was like I was free! Something about the feelings welling up from inside and flowing out, along with the love that was flowing into me from my husband…it all overshadowed the physical pain.
They wheeled me down to the surgery room and hooked up the air flow and IV to knock me out. The doctor stood by my bedside and explained the procedure one more time. When he was finished, I said woozily, “Wow…the stuff you’re giving me is working already!” To which he replied wryly, “I haven’t even given you anything yet.” 🙂 The OR was in hysterics. It was a fun moment. The next thing I knew… I woke up.
Thankfully everything is fine. But in reflecting later (with the help of my counselor), I now see a facet of PTSD that I had not yet grasped. Because I was open, having made much progress in my own healing journey, I was able to feel the pain inside that needed to come out, and also receive the love from outside that needed to come in. It also freed me up to experience the joy and laughter in the OR (I still chuckle at that).
I see it like this: PTSD puts up a double sided barricade. One on the inside – and one on the outside. It blocks feeling from coming up to the surface (pain as well as joy), and it blocks outside “intruders” from coming in (danger, as well as love). The result is numbness. Lifelessness. Sure it feels “safe” but so does being unconscious.
When the PTSD hijacks us, it closes us in between the double barricade, and we erroneously feel a false sense of safety. The truth is that we are not safe. WE ARE TRAPPED. Inside the walls. The good news is that there is enough of us that is alive inside the barricades to still choose. Life awaits us. It is up to us.
Only as we ourselves begin to poke holes through the barricade, to let things come OUT that need to and allow things to come IN that we need, will we begin to really live.
We will never totally remove the barricade, but we can start sledgehammering holes through it to get to life. I had to let my pain out, and let his love in. We have to be willing to feel the pain in order to feel the love, which is far greater. And the laughter is the icing on the cake!
I am glad I have been able to poke holes through my barricades, and I hope that you can start busting through your walls too. Over the years I have seen my vet break many holes through his. The first blow is the scariest. It takes real courage. But it feels so good to begin to really live again. It may mean calling for an appointment at your local vet center, contacting a chaplain, or connecting with a good support source online (see www.LoveOurVets.org for options under Support Links).
…And the best surprise is who you might find on the other side waiting to hold your hand.
